How to Be of Service to Those in the Grief Process

By Margot Wright

In times of need... in times of trouble... in times of despair... How can I help?

When members of our family or our community are experiencing illness, a death of a loved one, or some other tragedy, we often ask "how can I help?" Each person and family in need will have a different comfort level about what they want and need from others. Some will want to talk about it—others will not. Some will want people to reach out to them—others to give them more space. Over time the wants and needs will also change; a week ago I wanted to be left alone, today I wish someone would call me and invite me to coffee. There are not any "right" ways of responding to others. I do believe that by being authentic and true to ourselves and the situation we can respond in a "real" way that is more helpful. If you find yourself wanting to "reach out" to someone in a time of need but are not sure how best to do so here are a few things I have learned from my own experience:

• If you want to be of service to others take care of yourself first—fill up your well, your reserve, your spiritual and emotional bank account so that when there is a need you have something to give.
• Even when people said, "Margot, I don't even know what to say—I just want to let you know I am thinking of you." I felt better. My experience was that it was better to at least say something than when I perceived people avoiding me or being uncomfortable in my presence.
• Sometimes I would get a card in the mail from someone to just let me know that they were thinking of me and it meant a lot—I could also choose on certain days to read the mail or not, answer the phone or not but if there was no contact especially from people who I already had relationships with, I sometimes wondered what the silence meant; are you rejecting me, judging me, afraid of me?
• It was much more helpful when people asked if a particular favor or gesture would be welcomed. In my grief, in my pain, in my despair it was too much to need to try to figure out what I needed. So I couldn't answer when someone asked "how can I help you?" What were the choices? Are you offering to watch my children, help clean my house, or buy me book? When someone asked, "could I take you to lunch on Thursday or would you like to go for coffee?" I could simply respond yes, no, I don't know, or how about Tuesday.
• Give me space to be uncertain, to change my mind, to not know what I need and then ask me later, reschedule with me, or suggest an alternative way of connecting with me.
• Don't help because you feel like you "have" to—only help if you "want" to—the difference in intention is huge; at times I felt people were giving to me and then resenting me.
• The need for care and connection goes on for a very long time especially if the loss, sickness, and grief is big for the person—and only they will know the level of its significance; almost a year after Steve died a family sent a gift card to help with kids' school clothes and wrote about what Steve meant to them, and it meant so much to me to still be remembered. It is truly a gift to get to be a helper to those in our communities who are in need.

Finally, the most important way we can be of service to those in need, those we love and care for, is to take care of ourselves.

Margot Wright, M.A., M. Div. of Clearly You Consulting, LLC (clearlyyouconsulting.com), is committed to walking with others in this journey of life and all that it holds.

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