Spiritual Tools to Aid in the Caregiving Journey

By Margot Wright

In the journey of caregiving, the value of my time and my energy became particularly apparent. There were days when I was with my mother at the end of her life when it seemed like I hardly had time to go to the bathroom. The desire of wanting to show up and bear witness to this part of her journey, and feeling overwhelmed by it, was difficult to balance. I was clear about finding the time to rest, to eat well, and exercise. There were days I was able to do this and days that I was not. What I realized was that attending to my own spiritual well-being would make me more capable of sharing.

The Spiritual Bank Account

I learned that the better I take care of myself, the more I have to offer those I love. We cannot give what we do not have. Years ago I was introduced to the concept of having a spiritual bank account. It is similar to a regular bank account in which deposits or withdrawals were made depending upon the situation. Exercise, journaling, conversations with close friends, and prayer all make deposits in my spiritual bank account. Grief, money concerns, change in living circumstances or job, as well as the demands of daily living all withdraw from that spiritual bank account. In the last year of my mother's life I had a number of opportunities to be a caregiver. It definitely was a time I needed those deposits to keep filling my spiritual bank account.

There were days I didn't think I could face going upstairs one more time to see what it was my mother might need or what there might be for me to do to help her. I was worn out physically, emotionally, and spiritually. At the same time I wanted to be able to show up and walk with her in this dying process. I am so grateful that I was aware of needing to make deposits into that spiritual bank account. Over the years and through many life transitions I have explored various tools that do this.

The God Box

One of the tools I have used is a God box. When I am overwhelmed, when I am at a loss for what to do next, when I am afraid or uncertain about what the future holds, as well as when I'm grateful—I take a slip of paper and put the date on it, write out my fear, my hope, my prayer, or my concern to turn it over to a power greater than myself. Those slips of paper then go in a small box or envelope as a physical way for me to “let go and let God.” In the past years I have used the last pages of my journal with the heading “God Box.” I turn over my hopes and my fears and then proceed to do the next thing. Taking those few moments to pause and to write out what is heavy on my heart gives me the opportunity to make a small deposit into my spiritual bank account. It is a concrete way for me to acknowledge that I am not in this alone.

I used to think everyone else got the handbook on how to be connected to God or a higher power. There was a time in my life when I used to think there was a right or wrong way to pray, that there were certain rituals or practices that fit into the category of “spiritual practices.” I felt if those were not a good fit for me that I was out of options. Over the years I've discovered it's much more important for me to create spiritual practices that work for me than those that seem to be “right.”

Breathing

Another tool that has worked for me is to pause and focus on my breathing. As I exhale, I take a moment to notice the space that occurs between the exhale and the next inhale. There is always a pause where I am neither inhaling nor exhaling. A counselor invited me to look for God there, in the pause. There is a Bible verse that talks about the spirit interceding for us with sighs too deep for words to express. There have been many times in my life where I did not know the words to pray. All I knew was that I could not face the next thing alone. Taking time to connect with my breathing has been a way to be connected to something beyond the current situation.

Prayer

Over the years, I have found different quotes that I can use as mantras or words for repeating. To breathe those words in and out has helped quiet my mind. This is a form of prayer that I can use even in the midst of the difficult task or a tense moment. One that I use often is (breathing in) all is well, (breathing out) and all will be well. At times I will silently repeat a phrase and let my breath follow the rhythm. I found I could do this even in the midst of changing my mom’s bed or working to transfer her from bed to wheelchair.

Each of these practices—the God box, prayer, and breathing—are deposits in my spiritual bank account. Exercise, wholesome foods, good rest, connections with nature, and talking with close friends also make deposits. I have learned that under stress I can forget what I need to do to take care of myself so I have a list to help me remember. Most importantly, I have learned to love myself into these practices. Shame, guilt, “shoulds,” and judgment all withdraw from that spiritual bank account. I no longer choose to spend my resources on those. Taking care of myself spiritually has helped me to be able to show up in such a way that I have much to offer as a caregiver, daughter, mother, and friend.

Margot Wright, M.A., M. Div. of Clearly You Consulting, LLC (clearlyyouconsulting.com), is committed to walking with others in this journey of life and all that it holds.

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